Thursday, January 21, 2010

You're Gonna Make It After All.

I feel like the last 12+ months of my life I have been the equivalent of a chicken running around with its head cut off. No sense of place or purpose - just sheer panic. I literally think I've entertained every country, every city, every career, every standardized test, every salary, every two bit job, every school...

And geez, you really can be deterred from anything and everything. It seems every career, etc. has a doomsday outlook for those that dare embark upon it - further resolve that you've really got to have faith in yourself to get things done. Otherwise, if the internet is to be believed, I don't think anything would ever get accomplished. And on the flip side, if it were easy everyone would do it.
(Hence the Mary Tyler Moore inspiration).

It is much easier to not be scared off by reality if you are calm and focused.

And all of a sudden I feel at peace. Kind of Nathanial Hawthorne-ish, "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I know what I want to do. Certainty.
So the hardest part is over with.

Now it's just - time.
And infinite patience.
I think I'm okay with this.
In the fifth grade, my Mom used to take me to the Paper Lion about twice a month to buy a new beanie baby (I was obsessed, to put it mildly). When I asked her why she couldn't just buy all of the beanies for me during one trip, I vividly remember my mom laughing for a long time and telling me that wouldn't be nearly as much fun. Good allegory for life, right - if it all came together at once, it wouldn't be as much fun.

My Matey-Mate is leaving for South Africa for six months. I'm so proud. I'm so sad.
The wood floors in my room are wonderful.
My "Mac Genius" was awesome - he sweetly commiserated with me for way longer than necessary over the agonizing decision to either make costly repairs to my old, beloved 12-inch powerbook or invest in a new laptop in fear that she'll crash in 6 months anyway. Thanks for getting me Apple.
Massachusetts, I'm a little crestfallen and heartbroken.

Trouble Come Running, Spoon.
Walking On Broken Glass, Annie Lennox
Penny on the Train Track, Ben Kweller
The Kiss, Last of the Mohicans
Hello, Beyonce
Dance Music, The Mountain Goats